I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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