It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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