Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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