Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
