You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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