Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
