Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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