i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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