if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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