ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
