She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
