The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
