We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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