By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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