Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
