You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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