I will die if light touches me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
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He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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