I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
