I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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