just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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