Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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