Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
