I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
In America we eat man semen.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
