When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
