took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
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