You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
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We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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