Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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