$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
