I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
