she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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