yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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