You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon