New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head