If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.