Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.