can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
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I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.