Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
