Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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