Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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