just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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