if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I could make wine with my vomit
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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