dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
