the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
