I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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