so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
