ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
