Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
