K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
