I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
