I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
