It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
