i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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