I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
