i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
