I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
