I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
