I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
