Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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