I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
