is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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