I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
