i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry about my life...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
