I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
