meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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