i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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